WHY I HATE XMAS SHOPPING

My Thoughts on Christmas Shopping

• First of all, I hate shopping. I'm a rare breed of woman that is practically extinct. My hatred of shopping is not selective...it doesn't matter what kind. It could be the grocery store, the pharmacy, the mall...I don't even like to 'window shop'.

• Second, I can't stand the other customers in the store during the xmas season (and pretty much all year round). They all run around like chickens with their heads cut off, slamming into people and not excusing themselves, and engage in parking lot fights over the better spot. I hear a screaming mad woman, "I had my blinker on way before this jerk pulled in!"
  

I can see the headlines now...shopper killed over parking spot.

• Third, the unattended kids that run around wild and obnoxious bothers the shit out of me, too. I have a child, but I have the common sense not to take him shopping with me. The parents let their kids run all over the place, knocking things over, messing around in the dressing room, hiding in the clothing racks. Yeah, it was all fun and games when I was that age, but now I'm old and I don't have any patience for that crap anymore.

• Fourth, the people I see xmas shopping are usually completely irritating. Especially those Walmart, K-Mart, or Big Lots shoppers. They have that certain "Je Ne Sais Quois" that is repugnant. Either they are too fat to pass through the same isle as you, they smell, or they have 10 kids with them all shoved into one shopping cart.

• Fifth, I don't do lines. I don't wait at lines for bars, no matter how 'cool' the place is, I don't wait in the grocery store line (self-service check out rules), I don't wait in long drive thru lines, I don't wait in those lines at an amusement park for a 60 second thrill that I had to wait an hour to experience. I have no patience for lines or waiting for the annoying shoppers to move out of my personal space.

But it happens every year...I am standing in some line already aggravated. This old lady in front of me has 50 coupons, and after the order is complete, she changes her mind. So I have to wait for her to come back for the same thing, but in another color. At this point I am about to kick some old lady ass.

Old ladies are known to still write checks, so they take their sweet time getting their checkbooks out of their big old lady bags, try hard not to locate a pen, waiting for someone to give her one. Then I deal with the slow writing with those vein-popping, boney shakey hands. It's always my luck that I get stuck behind some old bag like this because I usually only have one item to buy. Murphy's Law in its prime.


To end my fabulous shopping experience, I finally get to check out and GO FIGURE, the cashier is totally inept and maybe partly retarded. She doesn't seem to know how to ring up the order and has to page the manager because she can't figure out how to sweep the credit card. A lot of these people know they aren't too bright, and they get back at me by taking their sweet time just to piss me off.

So, how does a girl like me get my Christmas shopping done?

The internet, of course! Amazon is the best...I've never had a problem and I've always had fast service. I don't have to interact with anyone, I don't need to leave my house, it comes right to my door. All those traffic jams, lines, obnoxious shoppers and their kids, and the retarded cashiers are IN THE PAST. But that is your choice.

Otherwise have fun standing in line at 4 a.m. for some stupid toy your kid just HAS TO HAVE.

No thanks! Have fun SUCKERS!